Joe Louis the train conductor
Sleeper trains are excellent methods of transportation. Especially for backpackers. Usually just a bit more expensive than overnight buses, they are much more comfortable than their counterparts (why do Vietnamese buses insist on blasting pop music videos until 4AM?!). By traveling through the night, you save money by not paying for an accommodation. Sleeping in multiple berth cabins is a good way to meet new people. On one train in Thailand a French girl pulled out a bottle of cheap vodka and her cabin immediately became a party zone.
I have had positive experiences on 90% of my soft sleeper trips and even the negative ones weren’t too bad. But every now and then you’re bound to get a mannerless boor as an unchosen travelmate.
I arrived at Xian’s train station tired and looking forward to a good night’s sleep aboard the overnight train. Maybe that was asking too much. After making my way across the long platform and identifying the correct car and cabin, I eagerly slid the door back. Expecting to drop my bag and relax, I instead saw a balding middle aged man sitting on my pillow pecking away on his computer. I cleared my throat and motioned for him to get off my bunk and stop sitting on my head pillow. He finished up on his laptop and then disappeared up to his bunk.
I shared the cabin with a family of father, wife, son, and toddler. Over the next few hours I was subject to an onslaught of strange but tolerable annoyances. The son watched a loud Chinese movie (audio only). The mother flung food waste down to my lower bunk. And the father snored away, bothered by nothing. I was not pleased with these boorish people.
At some point after dinner, the father and son were sitting together on the bunk across from me. We somehow engaged in a pidgin English conversation. The father used his son as a translator, but grossly overestimated his son’s abilities. Despite the language barrier, we were able to communicate enough to develop friendly relations. Over the course of the “conversation”, the father poked his son, told him something to him, and then watched as the son shook his head and resisted. Finally the son relented.
“Do you like China?”
“Yes I am having a good time here.”
“Do you like the people?”
“Um, sure. They can be very friendly.”
Poke. Poke. Sigh from the son.
“Do you like the Chinese girls? Are they beautiful?”
“Uuuuuum. Sure?”
Poke. Poke. Resistance from the son.
“You want to marry a Chinese girl?”
The son then looked at his father and turned to me.
“This was just joke. I am sorry.”
I guess that lucky girl on the father’s mind wasn’t getting her green card just yet.
Xian, China
I’ve got talent
Listen to music without headphones. This is best if done in a language different from the other travelers and at high volume. For optimal annoyance, sing along karaoke style.
Can you hear me now?
Use your body to its full aural potential. Take a nap and snore loudly. Got gas? Don’t limit yourself to farts. Add in burps and grunts as well.
Sharing means caring
Hungry? Make sure your meal has a pungent aroma for all to enjoy. If you’re just snacking, take the opportunity to drop peels and shells from the top bunk onto the lower berths. Don’t forget to chew loudly.
The youth of your nation
Sometimes it is hard to be annoying by yourself. Don’t hesitate to bring help, especially a baby or toddler. The more choleric the better for unstoppable temper tantrums.
Ups and downs
When nature calls . . . Frequent visits to the bathroom include climbing from upper and lower berths making for some aggravating rummaging noises. Feel free to step on people’s feet as you ascend or descend.
